Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
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I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?