Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
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thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad