[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
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My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.