Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”