@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My last name is Zilla.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I put the h in mysterious.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat