Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Oh thanks BBC.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
When you’ve simply given up.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts