Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
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Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
i think we should see other cousins
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.