i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
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police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
How dude HOW?!
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.