[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
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If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
ibopfufen