Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Pikachu found the lost joint
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.