Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.