No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
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JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant