Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
You Might Also Like
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.