my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
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Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.