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Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Nose
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*pronounces patio like ratio
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
i spent way too long on this
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.