I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry