Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
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In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
get you a girl who
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”