Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
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I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon