Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
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I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Thursday
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean