*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
no such thing as a dumb question
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
The news in a nutshell.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..