*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I’m not stressed
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.