I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
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Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
My current situation
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Was it something I said?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.