I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.