Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
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I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.