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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
when someone compliments me
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow