[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
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I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.