I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.