Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Oh, I bet you would be
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Gemma Correll
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
They’re on their honeymoon
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work