Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
“I FIXED IT!”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?