People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
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I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES