Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
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Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”