Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I saw nothing
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Stick it to the man
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”