#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
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I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.