imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
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Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I hope it’s French Onion!
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”