[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
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My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Worth the read.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”