Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.