“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
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philosophical skeletons be like
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.