Gods work.
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Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.