Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
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i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Personal question. #JustSaying
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits