Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
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lol
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.