I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
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I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.