my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
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Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
yeet
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it