Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”