Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
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are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My love language is deader than Latin
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume