Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
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Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around