Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’m confused about plants
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.