Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.