Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?