Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
You Might Also Like
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I’m too immature for adultery.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*