Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
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Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Straight people are cancelled
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.